Today. Yet another day, at the end of which my brain is reluctant to think. It’s more tiring to have a tired mind, than a tired body.
This place. I have been here before, endless number of times. But its not mine. I stand at the edge. Do I belong here?
People. They keep running and running, trying to reach goals set by others, trying to conquer more than others, trying to prove something very irrelevant. It’s a race, where you don’t lose, but people make you feel you did, not by telling you so, but by reminding you of their triumph. But a part of me knows something is missing. My surroundings are empty, thoughtless and hence, powerless. I should get down from the bus and walk the rest of the distance. No, I am too exhausted for it. But I should. So I hear myself yelling “I had to get down.” The driver unwillingly stops, my co-passengers glare at me and the conductor giggles at my back. Is this one of the decisions I was going to regret? It’s a pitiable thing to think so much about such a small happening, but my brain keeps on going back to all the faces, my limbs make me regret what I just did. But I needed it more than it was wanted. I start walking, without any realization, I leave the park behind, and my mind wanders off to the summers when I thought tooth fairy was real. All the memories I have are those from the frame of ‘outside the gate’. Did I never go inside to play? Or were they just too impolite to remember? At that time, it was just laziness, but now, I realize maybe it was more than my body’s reluctance to join the other kids. Maybe it was my mind’s.
Repeated trips to the hospital makes any being more fragile than he was before. Though, I am no one to blame these health factories, I can relate to their psychological setbacks. “But I am more than that. I don’t state the hospitals as the reason of my lack of motivation. Only the guilt of my mistakes can make me prosper. Like those kids there-” as I wandered out and back into my subconscious, I merely saw a bunch of teenagers terrorizing a little pup. Will some of them regret this act? God, I hope they do. Though, I know how they feel; how they are frustrated, confused, like everyone is, more or less, at the time of learning something new.
Then these are youngsters, trying to learn the most complex mathematics of all: life. Though I am no one to know them, but still, it is not just right to show their dominance over an innocent creature to prove to the world that you are unafraid. Rather, it’s just the work of a coward. But they’ll learn for themselves. Some will wait for big happenings; others will be inhibited by smaller ones. Some days they’ll discover themselves; others, they’ll invent. Some will invite troubles to themselves; others might run away; sooner than later, they’ll know; hard way or otherwise that little things matter.
Hypothesis of a biologist would suggest I am completely aware of my limbs, moving forward, like trying to win, against each other, a motion in vain. But all I feel right now is my blood thumping through my ears. Was I running out of breath?
I see a smile of an old man sitting in Mr. Oliver’s window side seat, and it makes me wonder do I have to wait till the last chapter? No. Every happy chapter begins with a smile, and the sad ones end with a smile!
I see a vagabond, and I see a woman sitting on her bedroom window. For one, her house is a prison, for the other, the world outside the house. For any prisoner, their prison is the safest place they know. Scared to be outside, crouching at the thought of being left free; but the spark of not being where you are, overpowers the importance of now and here.
Sometimes, life is plain, mundane, redundant, but that time, is the most useful time. It’s the intermission of a movie, where you have seen the movie, and, yet, are eager for more. It’s the comma in the sentence, where you still have sentence left for reading, yet, understand the first half. It’s the time to learn, the time to format, to dispose off useless stuff, to be excited for more.
Like the walk I had; the void which I filled with memories and judgments. Now, I am not regretting my decision of getting off the bus. Aching more than before, I reached the stairs to my apartment.
Today. I travelled more than I walked; but am still shrugging at the expressions of the fellow bus passengers.