Monday, 9 January 2017

Why My Days are Green? | Part 2

Disclaimer: If you have read the Part 1 and expecting this to be another rant about why Green Day, as a band, is under-appreciated in this world, you are wrong. This time it's only in subtext.

I have been pretty philosophical since childhood. Since the time I didn't know the butterfly effect is an actual phenomenon and a Mathematical theory, I had this entire theory of why I am where I am because my name is Sanjana. If you are not interested please move forward to the next paragraph. Or rather, skip this article entirely, because the rest of the article is also about how I perceive my life. Or, to be fair, life. Kay, thanks. Long before I understood the role of probabilities in shaping our lives, I could see the effect of minute incidents influencing small, and eventually bigger things.

Have you ever seen the influence of something very monotonous, as boring as the colour green? My school uniform was green. My house was painted green. The coaching handed me green sweaters, and my first job the company had a green logo, and in turn, everything.

Summer 2016 was one of the greatest periods of my life. Surely, there were some setbacks, but I was in the heart of Silicon Valley, working with what I had always dreamed of! Again, I didn't perform upto everyone else's expectations.

And today, I went through a lot of old 1-page journals that had my experiences for the inernship and full-time application process. I decided to delete them all and write all those fresh emotions flowing through me in this entry. It hasn't been an easy journey, but am I satisfied with the end result? No. I am not funded by my department anymore, and don't have a full-time job. These are heavy words! But will I put myself down for what I wasn't able to do? Hell, no. There are a lot of people out there who already do that. I will accept the results I have drawn to myself, and push myself to work harder. I have been too crticial about myself and it is time I cut myself some slack.

I have a lot coming up in the next semester! I have my Master's project to complete, I have part-time jobs to work, get my license, exercise, feel like I settled in here, and this I can only do by making sure I am having a good time, and no worrying. Because at the end of the day, things always happen. Sometimes you are satisfied with your performance, sometimes you are not. But this is mutually exclusive to whether or not you are having a good time. So why not have a good time! And after graduation, I am joining the green, and the yellow, and the red, and the blue company! And this is a promise to myself to never be disappointed to not meet someone else's expectations, and work for what I exect from myself. And it's a learnng in progress.

So here is my incoherent presentation of life, as it is in my head right now, as I try to merge into people so foreign to me. Trying small talk, and comprehending the meaning of deep talks all by myself.

Signing off.

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